The whole world is full of beautiful people.
For a while things got really bad. Every time I saw a group of people walking on the road, students, the beautiful people, I felt unworthy of walking on the same road and I would cross the road. I could barely give a presentation in a class without feeling horrible about myself. I started going first to class because I felt that every time I walked into a room every one would judge me and laugh in their heads.
I am in a much better place right now, I am a much more confident human being. But this particular phase of my life has taught me few things I believe nothing but experience can teach.
Growing up, I have always been a dark skinned boy. I have had my hair extremely curly and my skin pigmented with spots and scars. I have been tall, but I have no muscle mass to go with it. I have been incredibly thin all my life and I have a paunch celebrating my years of good eating and good drinking. I wear spectacles, because contact lenses hurt my eyes. Growing up, I have always been that guy.
And growing up, I have always been compared, like every other boy has. And not unlike most of them, I have fallen short many a times. I had landed flat on my face, and have lived through restless and sleepless nights in such dark shadows of unwanted comparisons. This blog is dedicated to a very particular comparison that has played a significant role in shaping up my life.
I have always been compared to my best friend.
Separated by life by less than a week, we have been friends much before than when we could utter that very word. We grew up as brothers and we matured as friends. We shared mothers and we shared fathers. In fact, in a few years we even shared brothers. We grew up simply as one family and not as two. Me and him and our brothers would play every day after school. We would laugh and fight, like friends are supposed to. But at the end of each day we would all be in a better place and shake hands and go home. Things continued quite well right up until adolescence.
It was around the time I started developing feelings for girls that I came across a rather curious truth.
My best friend was fair-skinned, blue eyes and had nice flowing hair. And there was no need for me to quite bother myself with this until a very particular day. My first girl friend while breaking up with me told me that she was only going around me so she could meet him. No one had ever spoken about my best friend like that to me. But that got me thinking.
This happened quite often. This happened more often than I could deal with, at times. My girl friend would talk about coming to visit me in my college just so she could see my friend. Every time I spoke of him, she would swoon. But, then that never happened for me.
This happened quite often. This happened more often than I could deal with, at times. My girl friend would talk about coming to visit me in my college just so she could see my friend. Every time I spoke of him, she would swoon. But, then that never happened for me.
Something happened that day which brought another dimension between two extremely good friends. And today, my counsellor recommends me cutting off contact with my best friend to make me less depressed.
People have ridiculed and reduced my problems and called me insecure. That is such a strange and inappropriate word for those feelings. If I am insecure, what am I insecure about? Is it that I am insecure I will not get a girl, who at some level in her mind hate the way I look? Is it insecurity in a way that I will never be able to change how I am fundamentally? I think, and this is the worst part of this word, that the only insecurity I have had and will have is that will I lose my mind or will I lose a really good friend?
What about the color of of my skin
About the color of my eyes
I may not be a good looking guy
But I really feel neglected
So I grew up doubting the color of my own skin at times, in a country which took special efforts to make me feel uneasy.
People come and talk to me that looks don't matter. Well, I think I can beg to differ. I believe looks are extremely crucial to one's social interactions. And I have had family and friends who have constantly reminded me of that. I have had to base my trust on compromises and accept things my mind would not let me digest. Because, it is really bad to have bad thoughts about such a really good friend.It is really a bad feeling to have bad feelings for a really good friend.
"You should try to be like him. Wear clothes like he does, be little less awkward", "Have you considered using fair and lovely?" are some sentences which have surprisingly come from family members ( not mom or dad or brother). Family is supposed to be a sanctuary where I can come and be at home, even the whole world is trying to bring me to tears. Friends used to feel sad if I did not call that friend when we were going out. Girls would talk to me, but just so they could may be talk to him. I would see people in my lane cozy up to the good looking guy, which the dark skinned oily nerdy kid with glasses smiled awkwardly waiting to be a part of the conversation.
And I accept it is all apart and parcel of life, a huge part of growing up.
But it would not hurt to have someone tell me I looks good, once in a while.
Ed Lithium
People have ridiculed and reduced my problems and called me insecure. That is such a strange and inappropriate word for those feelings. If I am insecure, what am I insecure about? Is it that I am insecure I will not get a girl, who at some level in her mind hate the way I look? Is it insecurity in a way that I will never be able to change how I am fundamentally? I think, and this is the worst part of this word, that the only insecurity I have had and will have is that will I lose my mind or will I lose a really good friend?
What about the color of of my skin
About the color of my eyes
I may not be a good looking guy
But I really feel neglected
So I grew up doubting the color of my own skin at times, in a country which took special efforts to make me feel uneasy.
People come and talk to me that looks don't matter. Well, I think I can beg to differ. I believe looks are extremely crucial to one's social interactions. And I have had family and friends who have constantly reminded me of that. I have had to base my trust on compromises and accept things my mind would not let me digest. Because, it is really bad to have bad thoughts about such a really good friend.It is really a bad feeling to have bad feelings for a really good friend.
"You should try to be like him. Wear clothes like he does, be little less awkward", "Have you considered using fair and lovely?" are some sentences which have surprisingly come from family members ( not mom or dad or brother). Family is supposed to be a sanctuary where I can come and be at home, even the whole world is trying to bring me to tears. Friends used to feel sad if I did not call that friend when we were going out. Girls would talk to me, but just so they could may be talk to him. I would see people in my lane cozy up to the good looking guy, which the dark skinned oily nerdy kid with glasses smiled awkwardly waiting to be a part of the conversation.
And I accept it is all apart and parcel of life, a huge part of growing up.
But it would not hurt to have someone tell me I looks good, once in a while.
Ed Lithium
